There are days that I am so conscious of the fact that simply having a roof over our heads, food in the pantry and our health is a blessing abundant. There are things going on in the world around us where others are not so fortunate. Safely tucked inside my own home those things seem far away and we tend to forget, to move on with our own lives thinking that those struggling around us will figure it out. It's not really our problem, we have enough to deal with.
I feel that way too alot of days. Dealing with grown people issues is tiring. Resentment sometimes boils over because you wonder if the cycle ever ends. You wonder if God has heard your never ending plea for deliverance and if so why the continuing battle. Why does the enemy prevail in the lives of our loved ones and why do they continue to drag themselves to the dark places where sickness and fear are lurking. The answers to these questions keep me awake at night. Literally, as the phone rings at 1:00 a.m.
I get angry. And I shed tears. I raise my voice. I am overcome. I am tired. I am human and sometimes my humanity gets the best of me. I hate that I even have to deal with any of it. Why is it mine to deal with? I've asked myself that question alot and the only thing I can come up with is because no matter how overcome I am, I can't walk away...or ignore...or just not care. God gives me these people and maybe that is for a reason. He commands me to love...but sometimes I struggle with loving well .....How deep is my capacity to love? How far will it go? How far will I go? In asking myself these questions he reminds me how far he goes for me...
My comfort is in my safe life. The happy life I have built with my husband and my son. My home is our sanctuary. A safe place where I am respected and encouraged and cheered on by the people who love me, as I do them. It is the place I dreamed of and one that I never take for granted. I've lived the uncertainty. I've swallowed my fear and pressed on. I've experienced the loneliness... and the whys and why nots. It's not a pleasant memory nor one I wish to relive, which may be part of my angst.
The life I have today is very different from the one I lived growing up. I believe everything we experience in life molds us into the people God sees as a finished product and for that reason I wouldn't change anything. I hold tight to values and morals my parents taught me and I believe my experiences have made me the person I am today... and if nothing else they have pushed me closer to a great big God that has always proven to be bigger than anything I have ever faced.
I've wanted to write this for a long time....my story. We all have our childhood memories and people living in the same house may have different views. Their own story. This is my story and my memories and if they differ, it doesn't mean either are wrong. It simply means these are my memories and this is how it effected me.....how it still does.
..........................................to be continued.