He sat beside me in church. Two hearts broken, kindred spirits in grief. Not sharing much for over an hour, simply a pew and the same sense of sadness and loss. At one point he simply slid the brochure to me. Her picture was on the front and her whole life was summed up in a few short paragraphs on the inside pages. A lump was in my throat and it was hard to swallow....to even breathe as I tried to control my emotions. I knew his pain as I poured over every feature of her face. Her blue eyes met mine and I mourned her loss, his loss..and mine. Silent tears ran down my face and settled salty inside my mouth. I started to take deep breaths and exhale through my nose. Someone, somewhere, said that was suppose to be helpful. I met my husband's eyes as he stood at the front pouring over the third chapter of Hebrews. I heard him vaguely in the background teaching above the roaring in my ears. It happens quite randomly..this crashing wave of emotions but when it comes, there is no escape. You just ride it out. We stare at each other across the room, quiet and yet speaking a thousand words that only the two of us understood in that moment.
Once the service is over we remain in our seats as people move around us and we share where we are and how far we aren't....We talk about sleep and the lack thereof. The irrational thinking and the deep pit of sadness. We talk about people that were a part of us, who gave us life... and somewhere in the middle of it all we relive their death. But somehow it's easier...because we are doing it together. We laugh about how a song can be the phrase you remember they always said. And how life seems so different and how it is not our life to do with as we please. He gently reminds me that we have given our lives to someone else and how quitting is not an option although it seems the most plausible choice. And I listen.. and occassionally lay my hand across his arm as a silent comfort of mutual understanding. There is alot more to be said..but it will have to wait and we are both okay with that. We know there will be another time and that a heart can only hold so much at a time. I went home having no idea what Hebrews Chapter 3 was about..and yet I knew that I had learned something biblical. I had experienced something spiritual. Something I needed and someone who needed me.