If you've stopped by lately and there are no new posts, I'm kinda out of the whole writing thing right now. My dad passed away December 28th and for me, the world has shifted off its axis. Grief has moved in and set up shop and he and I are becoming acquainted. I'm not fond of grief in the least. It changes me and my normal. It makes me have feelings and responses that normally would not be a part of my make-up. But somehow, I know that we are in this together for the long haul. Exhaustion has set in..everything makes me on edge. Anything can send me into a crying jag. I don't know what to do with myself and to be honest, I don't know how to let others do anything for me. So I ask them to pray. Because I know that Jesus knows what to do with all of me. I don't even have the words to say to him..but the bible assures me that the holy spirit intervenes on my behalf.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26 NIV
So, I'm feeling the need for quiet right now.
Because everything else seems almost ridiculous.
Maybe forcing my self to do normal things will help eventually,
But for now, I long for peace.
I'm so excited to share with you that my Dad has found peace. He is no longer fighting for his next breath, or wasting away his time in a dialysis chair. His lungs are free of fluid. I imagine he has taken up residence on the river of life that proceeds out of the throne of God...and if it's not breaking the rules, I bet he has a fishing pole he drops in between the chorus of holy, holy, holy.
What an honor it was, and yet the hardest task I've ever undertaken, to hold his hand and pray him all the way home. He had told me earlier that day "Let me die." In essence, because of his surrender to Christ, he was actually asking to live....forever.
I'm hiding my self in the word. It is asking me to do things that seem almost impossible...
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
James 1:2 NLT
In this moment, I am not feeling any joy or even see any indication of joy on the horizon.
But I walk by faith and not by sight. I believe God more than I do my feelings and I trust his promises.
Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5
Right now it seems dark in the world without my dad here. But morning comes and he and I will walk hand in hand... because if he and my mom taught me anything...anything at all.. it was how to live to get where he is.
Sharing at Brambleberry Cottage
Sharing at 52 Mantles
Sharing at French Country Cottage
Sharing at Imparting Grace
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your father and I am touched by your post, so honest and heartfelt - and full of hope. Praying God will wrap his loving arms around you and allow you to be quiet in Him, that He will uphold you and walk beside you through this process of grieving, that He will bring you that peace that is beyond understanding and that it will dwell inside your heart. And sending you a virtual hug...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Mindy. Hugs back to you :) Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
DeleteMary Anne, I just got on to read your blog. I did not know about you losing your Dad. I'm sooo sorry. I know all to well how that feels. I still miss mine every day. I wish I could tell you, your heart will mend quickly. It won't. But, it will eventually get easier, to talk about him, without crying. Dad has been gone 3 1/2 yrs. I still cry about certain things. Mom made each one of us kids a CD of us singing with Dad. Charmin was 6, me 4, and Roger about nine or ten mos. I couldn't keep from thinking about Dad singing, every morning, when we were young. I love you and will be praying, for peace to come over you, and healing of your broken heart. Looking forward to the day we get to be with them again. Maybe Dad can play and sing for me again.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Becky Taylor Brumley
Love you too Becky. Your dad was a special man. We all loved him :) Thank you so much for your prayers. We miss you all.
DeleteOh Mary Anne! I am so sorry. My dad has been gone 19 years this February and my mom 11yrs. also in February. I still miss them but the pain does lessen over time- God is good. Glad you are leaning on Him; He will get you through the grief. Lifting you up in prayers at this difficult time...take things slow and allow yourself time to cry, grieve, and remember. The first year is the hardest as you have to adjust to him not being here anymore. I pray you find peace and rest.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Cecilia
Cecilia, Thank you for the prayers. Hugs your way. I appreciate your encouragement. It helps to hear from people who have faced the same thing and can offer hope that time will ease the pain. And yes,God is good!
DeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your father. I get the axis shift issue. I lost my mother May, 2011 and I, too, was there with her when she went home and for almost two years I've tried to figure out how to get past the grief that I feel shouldn't be - especially since I know where she is and she is whole and knows God completely and that comes with faith. It wasn't until this week, actually, when I read Psalm 116:15 that I finally found true peace - the proof that God cares about our earthly death in such a way.... Still miss her like crazy but...it's less painful. Please do not think I offer this verse as a cure-all. You & grief have to do what you have to do and it's going to be in your time - there is no rushing this. I pray I am not coming across as a know-it-all. I pray you can grieve... lament...all that comes with earthly loss. I pray, though, peace and comfort rule - not the grief.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, Thank you, bless you! You are in no way coming across as a "know it all." I so appreciate you sharing, taking time to comment and reach out across cyberspace to offer up prayer and comfort. I looked up the verse you mentioned and am very familiar with it...however, tonight I read it in a different version and it meant something new. "The Lord's loved ones are precious to him; it grieves him when they die." Thank you for that :)I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Praise the Lord we have our hope in common!
DeleteI read your post via Imparting Grace. I've just got to say thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions. Raw and real. My heart breaks for you and your loss but rejoices knowing he is with the Lord. You are doing right by finding solace in His word. Keep looking up. His promises are true. His mercies are new--great is His faithfulness. :)
ReplyDeleteKelli,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to read it. I appreciate your encouragement. Amen, my friend..great is his faithfulness :)
Your post brought tears to my eyes. My dad lives in Europe, and with his failing health, I dread the day I receive hat call.
ReplyDeleteBette, Thanks for reading the blog..spend as much time..cherish every moment. Life is a vapor. Prayers for healing for your dad :)
DeleteWOW! I JUST found your blog tonight and You are so honest and open, I feel like I've known you forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here crying like a baby!
Prayers from your Sister in Christ,
Lori @ http://jasminebrook.blogspot.com/
Thank you Lori. In writing, you hope that by sharing your heart and your journey that someone might relate, be encouraged or see themselves in your valleys as well as the mountain tops. I love to share my home and our lives, great deals and DIY projects but most of all I want Jesus to be glorified. For his name to be high and lifted up. Without him over the past few months I would have been lost in my grief. He is faithful and his mercy is new every morning. Thank you for crying with me. My dad was a special man and he is truly missed. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated :)
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